Yo!! What's up family? I've been meaning to write all week, but I was too busy. This being my day off and not having to worry about anything, my mind is clear enough to write. I hope everyone is doing well. I hope that you've all gotten most of your holiday shopping done. Remember to be safe out there. There are a lot of desperate so-and-so's out there this season. "I can't afford it, so I'll take it from hardworking people instead" We are all in need, but it's not right to hurt or kill for material things.
I saw a news report of guys driving around neighborhoods to scope out packages left on stoops and porches. They just run up and snatch the box. The idea is that people are either ordering gifts or receiving gifts this time of year. I despise thievery. I can barely make ends meet, but I never get to the point that I will take from others to make myself feel good. I guess this is why I get depressed around this time of year.
The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy. I have less and less joy every year. First the fact that it brings out the worst in people. Whether they are plotting to hit you over the head and steal your stuff or the person that makes a scene at the store for waiting too long in line or not getting the deal or product they wanted. Nothing says "Happy Holidays" like two mothers scuffling for the last La La Loopsy doll at Target.
I guess the main reason for my gloominess is that every year I feel less and less economically sound. As money gets shorter, the prices on stuff goes through the roof. I know that it should be about family and friends. It's depressing to see a tree with no gifts under it. What's the point of putting it up in the first place? Wasting all that time and energy. I can't even tell you how long it's been since I've gotten a Christmas present. I'm 32 now, you would think I'd be used to it by now.
Sometimes I wish that Santa Clause really did exist. Hell I wish I was Santa. I'd drive around in a tractor trailer full of the things that people needed. Making eveyones day. I'd give my wife employment. I'd pay people's rent and buy them groceries. I'd give out winter coats and boots. I'm not bummed because I can't afford a flat screen TV or a tennis bracelet. I'm bummed because it feels like I can't give my family the basic necessities. Then to make matters worst other things get piled on.
I went to see my Eye Doctor for my yearly eye exam. It went well, she said that my condition had not worsened. She even figured out that I could wear glasses without my contacts around the house to see basic things. I was stoked. They had me pick out a pair. I tried them all on. My wife and eye finally settled on a nice proportionate pair. The associate took my measurements. She started writing on a piece of paper, and adding things on a calculator. She tells me that it would be almost $500. I nearly went blind. I assumed that when she told me they were gonna file a claim with my eye insurance it was for the glasses. She meant for my new contacts. I got all flush and told her straight up that I didn't have it. She tells me that I could pay half and if my credit was approved (which it probably wouldn't have been) I would have 6 months to pay the rest. She even dropped it down to $400. I nodded my head. I told her to forget about the glasses. I wasn't going to get them. She punked me. She reminded me that she already took the measurements. What does that mean? She measured my face for fit, so I'm obligated to buy the glasses now? She didn't order anything or even enter anything into the computer. Technically my glasses don't even exist, how can I pay for something that doesn't exist.
I hate the holidays. I don't "hate" the holidays. I just hate what it does to people and what it has come to represent. Considering how bad the economy is, it hasn't stopped people from spending everything they don't have this holiday season. I went Costco on Black Friday. Everyone in there had a flatbed cart with at least one flat screen TV on it. One guy had 3 in different sizes stacked on top of each out. It looked like a giant 3 tiered cake. I don't want or need 1 flat screen TV, let alone 3. I'm in there trying to stretch this hundred dollars which became $250 at check out. As I walk past the laptops, I cringed at the prices. There is no way I can afford to buy one. That is all I wanted to do this Christmas. Replace my wife's broken laptop to try to motivate her and get her out of the perpetual unemployment rut. It seems that when I found something I could afford, I didn't have the money. I when I did have the money, I had to spend it on something that I needed but hated having to buy.
Yet I continue to move through this endless maze of disappointment that my life has become. I try to stay hopeful. They say that faith is the key. I believe that God will never give me more then I can handle. What I can't figure out is how more of this he thinks I can take. I reluctantly buy a lottery ticket each week. I've realized that I'm never going to win. I work my fingers to the bone to try to keep my families sole source of income. All they do is remind me that I'm not doing enough. I have all these crazy dreams and ideas. I get no support. Now all I have left is a basement full of "antiques" that no one sees value in but me. I think that I've worn out my welcome. Nothing I do now will improve my situation. The writing is on the wall "check mate" Let's see what the new year brings.
New year, new beginnings. Resolutions are pointless. Anything that a person has to announce to the world they will accomplish, usually falls by the wayside. You've been drinking, smoking, and overeating for years. What makes you think the on this particular day you will finally quit. What if you don't smoke? What resolutions should I make? I resolve not be poor anymore. I resolve to become a millionaire. I resolve to give my family everything their hearts desire. I resolve to stop sucking as a human being. I resolve to stop being in the way. Guess what another year will go by, and if I'm still around, I will be in the same situation. Like Puff Daddy once said, "I won't stop, 'cause I can't stop"
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