Thursday, January 5, 2012

Day 5

Today is the 5th day of 2012. How many of you have already failed to keeping your resolutions? I wonder how many people in the world already gave up on 2012. Well there's always 2013. I must say so far, I'm not content with my year. I've been looking for a positive thing to mark each day. I'm not sure that I am that optimistic. I can feel the depression when I'm home and even more when I'm at work. I think that I've come to a complete stop. I no longer want to continue with this trajectory. I have to change my fate for 2012 and subsequently the rest of my life.


Today was my second shift at work this week. I hated every second of it. It all felt so futile. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and my co-workers. I just hate the feeling of digression I get when I go to work. We're putting all this effort into what we do, but cannot please the powers that be. It feels like it's all for nothing. On the bright side our sales have seemed to increase in the past few days. I hope that I can get enthusiastic about work again soon. I have no zest. I can work and do the best I can, but I don't feel joy or pride. I know that I can't walk away, but this lull makes it much easier for me to stand back and see that there is nothing left for me.

So after work, I go to the doctor's office. She takes one look at me and says, looks about the same, all we can do is wait. She then sticks a rod in my nostrils, examines my ears, and depresses my tongue. The best part is on the way out, they notify me that I have to pay a $100 deductible, which I've never had to pay before. Add that to the $1,800 bill for the MRI, and that's after the insurance covered their end. This so far is the most expensive case of Bell's Palsy. The worst part is I knew what I had, that they can't treat or cure it, and all I can do is wait. I could have figured that out on my own, for free.

Then I come home. Can't go out, no gas. If we go anywhere can't buy anything. All I can do sit at the computer or watch TV. Of course there are no American Pickers or Auctions Hunters on, so there is nothing on TV. I can't talk to my wife, because she has nothing to say. I understand that she is not happy with the situation so I try not to let everything she says bother me. I know that she's just frustrated. I would love to tell her let's go out, or let's go watch a movie, but I can't. So instead of awkward situations, we just avoid conversation. I do the same with my parents. I can go days without saying 10 things.

So you can see how day 5 is not giving me a lot of hope for the rest of the year. Something has got to change. I researched grants. That was a lot to read. I still got no answers. The silver lining is tomorrow is payday. I get to play the good man role and take them to Costco for provisions and a slice of pizza. Without going over budget, I will try to make this weekend about them. The kid has a birthday party to go to. Maybe we'll go see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, my wife read the books and loves them. Then after that, two more weeks of solitude and silence.

January 5th 2012 5:28 PM EST

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