What?

So lately I've noticed that I'm beginning to loose my Spanish fluency. I'm 32 years old. I've lived in the United States since the age of 2. I've always spoken Spanish at home. I still speak only Spanish to my parents and some of my siblings. When I go out into the world I seem to be struggling when communicating to native speakers.


As it stands I don't speak a whole lot of Spanish outside of my home. The majority of my co-workers speak only English or English is their second language, but Spanish isn't their first. Working in the in Washington D.C., I'm surrounded by a multicultural work force, predominantly Central and South American. I have no problem speaking Spanish. I am also in no way ashamed of my heritage or nationality. In the professional world I've grown accustomed to communicating in English regardless of nationality. If the other person tries to bond with me by speaking Spanish and inquiring about my nationality I follow suit. Basically if you don't speak Spanish to me, I don't speak it to you, unless I feel there is a failure in communication and I can better serve  you by speaking Spanish.

I guess having grown up here, I've lost my Hispanic identity. I don't know if appearance is a factor, but I have dark long hair, a brown complexion and Indo-American features. I've been mistaken for Indian (from India) Samoan, Hawaiian, and West Indian. The average person doesn't get that I'm Hispanic. Usually Mexicans and Salvadorians (which are the predominant minority in my area) think I'm Indian and ignore me. When it comes to Puerto Ricans, Cubans, and Dominicans, they walk directly to me and start Speaking Spanish.

Many people say that I don't have the slightest accent. Some people say that I sound like a Black guy on the phone. I once had a Salvadorian manager that worked with me for 2 months before he realized I was Hispanic. You would think with the last name of Guerrero, he would know. We were walking through the store, and I suddenly asked him something in Spanish. He had this strange look on his face, and asked me, "you're Hispanic?" I was like yeah, I'm from Nicaragua. He confessed that because of my speech, he thought I was African American, I thought that was funny.

Lately at work I've noticed that people don't seem to know I'm Hispanic. There are a few that know and only speak Spanish to me. Others aren't sure so they speak English to me. One day I was about to board an elevator, and two Hispanic co-workers were already on. I announced I would wait because it looked full, and I had a cart full of boxes. The lady tells me, that there's room and so I got on. Once the doors closed, she asked me if I spoke Spanish. I nodded and said yeah. They both seemed surprised. I told them I don't usually speak unless someone speaks it to me first. After that they seemed more relaxed around me. There is another guy that works at my store that always wants to speak Spanish to me. I feel he does it because he thinks that because I'm Hispanic I'm obligated to speak Spanish to him. Instead I only speak English to him.

I felt like I stumbled for words to explain what I want to say. I do what non-native speakers do, "how do you say?" When I'm at home and talking to my parents many times I start out in Spanish and end in English, because I can't find the words. I hate to feel like I'm losing my fluency. I don't wanna be that guy that looks Hispanic and goes to the store and can't communicate. Pointing at shit and feeling like an idiot. I also don't want people to think that I'm just ignoring my roots. It's weird to think that after 30 years I would forget everything I knew.