Sunday, February 19, 2012

Sweet Sadie

Yesterday evening, my family and I attended a community "Sock Hop" for kids. We drove to the Municipal building where a recreation room was set up with tables decorated with centerpieces made with gift bags depicting a jukebox with streamers and balloons. They had ham and cheese platters, ranch and veggie platters, and assorted cookies. For your 5 dollars a head entry fee you even got your picture taken in a photo booth and enjoyed the sounds DJ Curt complete with a pompadour and sequined blazer. At first there we're a handful of people and their kids. After a while it was full. They played predominantly 50's hits, the DJ accommodated requests, even if they didn't fall into the theme.


We've been living in the City of Hyattsville for almost 2 years now. Our daughter transferred to the neighborhood elementary school last September. We quickly realized that it was a tight knit community where everyone seemed to know each other. After 6 months we've gotten to know some of the other parents, directly and indirectly. Even though we see many of the same parents at various school sponsored events, we were surprised not to see any of the mainstays at this event. We even made assumptions that some of these kids attended one of the private schools in the neighborhood. My wife did recognize one child and her family from the school. She said, "There is Sadie"

"Who's Sadie?", I wondered. She recounted the story that she once told me in passing but evaporated from my memory. On one occasion that my wife had gone to the school to volunteer she was in the hallway where our daughter's class is, near the restroom. She says that she noticed some kids headed toward the bathrooms. As the group entered the designated entrance she noticed a little boy heading into the girl's bathroom. My wife stopped him and notified him he was about to enter the girl's bathroom. My wife perhaps thought the kid was in such a hurry that he didn't pay attention to the sign. All she heard was the child assertively respond, "I am a girl" as she walked in. Other people also noticed and asked, "did that boy go in there?" My wife just said that she assured her she was a girl. Through inquiry my wife discovered that who she spoke to was a young lady named Sadie, who gets mistaken for a boy all the time.

When I first saw Sadie, I was a bit confused. She's about 7 or 8. Blond hair cut with a boy's style. She sported a plaid short sleeved button down. Which she tucked into a pair of pressed khaki's cinched with a leather belt. I didn't make it to the shoes, but they may have been loafer's or boat shoes for all I know. I observed her as she got food. She seemed very independent and polite. I think I even heard her speak which sounded sweet and high pitched. I never noticed any behavior that swayed me in believing that she was more than a regular elementary school child. When the DJ announced that he was going play My Girl by The Temptations for the "Father Daughter Dance" and invited us to the dance floor, I noticed Sadie dancing with her father. I was perplexed, not appalled or shocked, but intrigued.

There was another child in attendance last night that did at first come as a surprise. There were many little girls running around ranging anywhere from 5 to 10 years of age. They all blended in. My wifes asks me, "Is that a boy?" I said "Who?", and she motioned to a child about 3 or 4 wearing a pink dress with ruffles. I had seen her when we first arrived. Maybe because of the dress and the thinking associated with it, I was sure to have the seen the face of a girl. I continued to observe to see if my wife was mistaken. The more I scrutinized, the more I realized that this was a little boy. He had reddish blush smeared on his cheeks. A longish blond bowl cut. He wore a polo style shirt and light jeans with brown winter boots. Over his street clothes he donned a pink ruffled girls dress. He wore it more like a smock than a dress. He ran and played like the rest of the kids. Once I realized what my eyes were seeing I also began to formulate many questions that I could never ask him, Sadie, or their parents.

Sexuality aside I was very confused by what I saw. I wondered if these kids chose how they wanted to appear or for some strange reason, their parents prefer that they skew what convention dictates as normal. Assuming that the children decided to dress in this manner, how does this exchange happen. Do they going shopping one day, and the child refuses to dress the way they are ordered and finally subdue their parent's will and dress in the manner that suits their fancy? Was it a gradual transition? I would write a book with all the questions and possible answers. What I do know is they both seem like normal children. I would imagine there is some scrutiny and resistance in the real world. I, being a open minded person that respects everyone for who they are think that the children as well as the parents (in these cases) are brave. As a parent you have to choose between what society says is right, and makes your child happy. When you love them, you have to let them be.

At no point during my observations did I ever feel that these children were Gay or crossdressing. I felt they were being expressive. That being said I though more throughout the morning as I though about writing this entry. I began to think about some of my Gay friends. Two in particular that once told me, in unrelated conversations, that they always new they were different and at a very young age knew that they were attracted to the same sex. One even shared that when he was about 7 his mom told him to clean his room, he put his hand on his waist, shook his head , and told her that was her job. This is when his mom knew he was different. Both of these men lived under social confines, both unaccepted by their male parent until they were adults and became the men they are today. I wondered what if they had been accepted by their parents at a young age, would their struggles have been diminished? Then in the extreme case of Transgender persons, I've always heard one thing, they felt they were born in the wrong body. Another one of my close friends, who happens to fall into that category, thoroughly convinced me of that. Not only because of outward appearance, but just the person she is. I could never imagine her being anything else. It's not an act or a masquerade, it's who she was supposed to be.

Some people will argue that if you let your little boy play with a doll or daughter dress in boy's clothes you will sway their identity. I believe that sometimes it might be a phase. There is no way to know for sure. I feel that if you force your ideals on them, they will resist anything therein. Don't add a stigma to your child's self identity and self expression. Just because a person (no matter what age) wears clothes that could be considered gender inappropriate doesn't make them Gay. How come no one gets offended when Kanye West wears a skirt on stage with Jay Z, but when a little boy plays dress up and feels comfortable in his own skin, people snicker and whisper in the sidelines?

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