Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Resume Reality

The resume is the single most important tool of the job hunter. That is the biggest pile of bullshit. I don't think half the people even look at it. The truth is you can put just about anything on it. Nobody is going to waste their time trying to prove the fact, only if it's an outlandish claim. For me I think the resume should be less about what you want me to read but what really counts and the complete truth.


I don't care about where you worked or where you went to school. You can use excel and PowerPoint, guess what, so can most 6th graders. I would rather leaf through your resume and find out that you can cook and make a mean Martini. Do you dance, how often do you go to the gym, gang affiliations? Can you talk yourself out of a ticket or an ass whooping? Can you fight? I'm looking for skills that I can use n real life, like if your mom works for the MVA. 

I would like to see how much you really want this job. Guilt trip me. Tell me about your kids or your sick mom. Let's see some bills. If you have a mortgage or a car note, I need to know. Offer to wash my car or bake me a cake. Where it says "objective" write, "I will literally kick the other applicants asses in the parking lot" Tell me that if you don't get the job after that, you're going kick my ass too. 

The truth is I need to know what I'm getting myself into. Do you smoke? Crack, weed, cigarettes? Do you drink occasionally, or are drunk right now. You will call out at least this many times a month. Are you on the run? I'd respect you more if you keep it real with me from the get go. If you have 3 crazy baby's mamas, and they will come looking for you and make a scene, I need to know. We always ask if you've been convicted of any crimes. I need to know for what? Did you smuggle cocaine or did you kill your entire family and bury them in the back yard?

When it comes to the cover letter, I've always made it as honest as possible. They say if your cover letter isn't convincing enough, they won't even bother looking at your resume. Here is an example of an awesome cover letter.

I am writing in reference to the current position available. The truth is I am over qualified for this position. I however do not have a problem getting my hands dirty and working my way up from the bottom. I can work anytime day or night. I need this job because I have no work experience. I'm also 3 months late on my student loan. If you can you can find in your heart to give an honest hardworking person a chance, I promise to not disappoint. Since America is "the land of opportunity" it is your patriotic duty to hire me. 
 
 

 

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