Before I come out of the gate blasting, there is something I have to say. I thank the lord everyday for what I have and the people that are in my life. I take nothing for granted because I know that there are so many people that don't have half of what I have. Then there are people that have everything and would trade it all for good health. With that being said. Let me tell you something.
Yo!! I'm tired of this shit. I'm tire of being broke. I'm tired of being last. I'm tired of being tired. I do everything for everyone. No one ever stands for me. How is it that I'm the only one that worked today, but I have to come home and go right back out to get buns for everyone else to eat with 3 cars in my driveway? Why did we exceed sales forecasts, beat out a bunch of heavy hitters, and instead of praise, we were asked why we didn't do better? Why aren't I allowed to enjoy my 4th of July like everyone else. Instead I have to go to bed early because I don't feel right being late for work or calling out because I chose to go to a cookout and get wasted instead.
No one ever has any consideration for the kid. Instead I have to accept everything the way it is, because God forbid I hurt someones feeling. I have to work twice as hard because if I don't I catch wreck for shit not being right even when I'm of the clock. No one else has any stake in what we do. All they care about is what they can get but not what they can bring to the table. I never think about myself. I do everything I do to please people that could care less about me.
I love my family, my friends, and everyone in my world. The problem is that they assume that old dumb ass is going to take care of it. I need to figure out a way to remind them that I will not be around forever. They also need to know that when I stop caring things are going to change drastically. My depression is not about what I'm missing. It's about not being acknowledged at all. Yet no one knows the shit I go through. I've gone days without eating so others can. I have to hold on to the little bit I have to get gas so I can drive 45 miles each way to work a job that I love but is killing me.
I would love to be able to throw something on the grill tomorrow, but I can't afford the hot dogs let alone the buns. Then I have to make sure there is enough for us and everyone else. Oh yeah I also have to cook everything. I have to sit outside in the heat for hours by myself, while everyone sits in front of the TV in the AC waiting for the food to be done. For once I wish someone would have a cookout for me. Sometimes when I come home, I smell food grilling and always think it might be coming from my grill, but instead there isn't anything to eat. When I cook I cook enough for everyone, and if there isn't enough I give up my portion.
Stupid dumb ass naive nice guy that will never know what it feels like to be respected and appreciated. Maybe death will be my reward, with my luck I'll probably be a ghost and will never get to rest. Fuck my life. Don't take it personal, that's just how I'm feeling right now.
You have to stay focused and remember why you are doing what you do everyday. Life is not always going to be filled with acknowledgment on your good-doings. As long as you know your doing it for the right reasons and not just for acknowledgment, you will always do what's right. I know your heart Pollo and your heart is NOT that guy that stops caring. Stay true, stay you and above all else NEVER ever give up faith. This life is but a milli second in the time of God; we may catch a break somewhere down the line, we may not, but in the end at least you can say you were true to yourself, your family and God.
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